Puddytat
4 February 2021It was a nice day walking through the zoo with my friend and their lovely children. Now, before we start, let me say, I am opposed to keeping animals in captivity. But this was an open-range zoo, cruelty free.
We visited the hyenas and the macaws, took in the little marsupial mice and the hippos. Such fun!
Then we came to the tiger cage. It was a magnificent beast, a full-grown Siberian tiger, as white as the snows of its native land.
“Aww, such a cute little puddy tat!” said my friend.
“Right!” I agreed. “Cuddly.”
We came near the fencing. The little children were so fascinated.
“Can we touch him?” they said.
“Ha ha, not a good idea,” I said. “Careful, he’s dangerous.”
“Come on, man, why are you scaring the kids?” said my friend. “He’s not going to hurt anyone.”
“Sure, I mean, not so long as he’s in the cage and we’re out here.”
“No, I mean, tigers aren’t really that dangerous. Humans kill more of them than they of us. And they only attack people if provoked.”
“Well, yes, but did you not see?” I said. “There’s a literal red flag right there that says, ‘Beware maneater!’”
“Yeah sure, right,” laughed my friend. “They just put that for the drama. Gives people a thrill.”
“Ahh, no I don’t think so,” I said. “The sign here says that this tiger is a notorious maneater. It regularly hunted and ate humans for years, singling them out as prey.”
“Look, don’t be reductive,’ said my friend. “Just because it eats people doesn’t mean its a bad tiger. You can’t define it by its worst impulses. Blame the sin, not the sinner.”
“So what, it’s a tiger that eats people, but we can’t call it a people-eating tiger?” I asked, incredulous.
“You just asked me a question. Does that mean I can define you as a question-asker? Is that all you are?”
“I don’t really know what to say to that. But pretty sure it’s okay to call a tiger a maneater if it, you know, eats men.”
“Why are you so against tigers?” said my friend. “You must really have a thing, running this, like, anti-tiger crusade.”
“No my friend, just wanting to keep everyone safe,” I said. “The tiger’s perfectly fine just where he is.”
“You might want to make everyone hate tigers,” said my friend. “but they need love, too. Why do you think they got this way?”
“Lack of love?” I offered.
“Bloody right,” said my friend. “There can be more than one side to a story, you know. Not everything is so black and white.”
“True, not everything. But you know what is black and white?” I asked. “The stripes on that huge maneating tiger!”
Laughing, my friend said, “Hey kids, want to get closer?”
“Yes, yes!’ they happily screamed.
“Let’s see if we can climb the fence!” said my friend.
“I’m sorry, what?!”
“We’ll just pop in to pat it. It’ll be fine.”
“Do not do this! It’s a man-eating tiger, you’ll all be in incredible danger!”
“God, you’re so negative, you know? Tigers are beautiful creatures, why do you have to be so death and destruction all the time?”
“No, don’t go in there. Look, here it says this tiger chewed off a man’s head.”
“Will you cut this violent language, you’re upsetting the children,” said my friend. “Here kids, let me give you a leg up to the tiger cage.”
Alerted by all the noise, the tiger had got up and was prowling closer to the fence, licking its lips.
“Hey little puddy-tatty,” said my friend. “Can we pat you?”
It growled deep in its throat as the saliva dripped from its open jaws.
“Aww, it’s purring,” said my friend. “He says yes, let’s go kids.”
“No, stop!” I said, crying and screaming. “What are you doing? Stop!”
“You know your problem? Always so emotional. Always judging others. Why can’t you just stay positive?”
“Hey thanks for the life advice,” I said. “Let’s discuss it over there where there are no tigers.”
“Lol, good try. Okay kids, one, two, three, and over we go!”
Laughing the little child leaped into the tiger den. In one mouthful, it gobbled them up.
There was silence for a second. Then the other child started screaming. “No, no, they ate them! They ate them!”
My friend looked at me, shocked. “Oh my god, how did you know?”
“Never mind that now, just come down,” I said.
“Hang on,” he said. “It must be a trick, right? A hologram or something? I mean, there’s no way they could just let people waltz on in here and get eaten, right?”
“There are signs everywhere! And you just climbed the fence!”
“Nah, it’s a fake. No child gets eaten that quickly.” Decisive, he said to his remaining child, “Your turn, don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”
And over they went, and into the tiger’s mouth.
“Ha ha,” said my friend, “that’s really a cool trick. Hilarious right?”
“No! Not hilarious! Your children just got eaten by a tiger!”
“Yeah right, you’re so gullible. Anyway, I’m next. Oo-hoo, I’m so scared! Please don’t eat me, hologram tiger!”
He jumped. Maybe the tiger was full. Or maybe it just didn’t like the smell. Anyway, he sniffed my friend disdainfully and sauntered off for a nap, two children in its belly.
“Hey come on, eat me!” said my friend.
“I think he’s full,” I said.
“Don’t be crazy, holograms can’t be full,” he said. “Now, where are my kids? Kids! Hey! You can come out now!”
“I don’t think they’re coming out,” I said.
“But why,” said my friend. “What happened? I don’t understand.”
Just then, there was a crash and a glitch. Everything went black for a second, then came into focus. A white room, a desk, two people sitting with elaborated headsets on.
A man in a white coat said, “Okay, the simulation’s over. Take a minute to adjust.”
“Wha- what?” I said hazily. “Oh, oh yes, okay, here we are.”
My friend was even more dazed than I. He was shaking his head, looking around him, he seemed on the verge of panic.
“Hey, hey,” I said, “It’s okay. It’s a simulation, remember? We’re doing beta testing for the new VR game.”
“Oh, oh god,” he said.
“Yeah, it was intense, right?” I said. “Like, so immersive. It wasn’t just the sensory stuff, it was the whole feel of it. You believed.”
“Indeed,” said the technician proudly. “That’s the real breakthrough here. We don’t just create a realistic fantasy on the outside, we create it on the inside too. All your emotions, thoughts, values, beliefs, they’re just as real to you in there as all this is to us out here.”
“Incredible,” I said. “But to be honest, it was pretty traumatic. I’m not really seeing how it’s entertainment.”
He laughed and said, “Well sure, it’s not for everyone. But you’d be surprised. A lot of people, in fact, believe that this world is just a simulation. Hard to disprove, right? Who knows how far down the rabbit hole goes? It could be layer after layer, a fractal megaverse of hyper-realities. We’re just adding another layer.”
“Okay, well, time to go,” I said. “Come friend, let’s go home.”
My friend looked at me through tear-stained eyes and said, “But where are my children?”